CairuLunari's Xanga

Half-assed vs. Wholeheartedly

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:11:43 GMT

I have a confession to make. I have never tried my hardest for something. Ever. I can't recall a single time when I poured my all into something.* The last time I managed to lose 50 pounds was with the help of diet pills. College? Cruised into that barely trying. SATS? Studied a couple of pages the night before and still topped off at 1330, the highest in my entire school that year. I could go on and on. But I would just make both you and myself a little sicker.

*Well, you know what? I take that back. The only thing I poured my all into was a relationship. And it pretty much was a big Fail. Definitely something to put down in the book of "Things That Might Blow Up in Your Face".

I've been relaxing "away from it all" at my dad's for the past couple of days, and I don't have the option of staying up all night because when they go to sleep, the whole house must go to sleep- or I at least have to go chill out in my room, sans cable. And the day is spent alone with my dad at work and my grandmother out and about. But at least the peace and quiet has given me time to think. Not that any of my friends would ever say that I needed help in that department.

And that's how that little gem popped up into my head. It started while praying to and thinking about God, because He knows I have never broken a sweat trying to chase Him. Truth be told when I sense things getting difficult or His presence slipping further away as He moves ahead to lead me into the unknown I simply plop down on the ground and whine for Him to come back to me, insisting that I couldn't possibly go any further at the moment, lest I run out of breath.

Call it fear, trust issues, being an old fashioned control freak, the depravity of my natural condition that's crying out in defiance- whatever it is in me has no plans of surrendering without putting up one hell of a fight, literally.

But then what my good friend Nick said to me one night comes creeping back to me. "Only dead fish float downstream." Fine. But how do I make my heart want something it has no apparent intention of wanting?

It seems to me that my fears don't just extend to my relationship with Christ, but to life in general. Despite all the hardships I really have cruised through life. When I even consider the idea of pouring my heart into something, my selfishness and pride start to kick in. 'Why try so hard? You've been through so much already. You're doing great considering what you've come from.' It makes me fed up with myself just thinking about it. I've become pretty adept at patting myself on the back with my own crutch.

I wasn't born half-assed, so why am I so content to go through life that way? Sorry for the language, but it's really the best thing I can think of to summarize my life. Difficult circumstances with a dash of half-assed.

And I know better than to blame this on loved ones that remind me of all I've made it through-they're trying to be uplifting and supportive, of which I really am greatful. But it's time that I really commit to this life instead of constantly stopping for rest breaks when I really haven't even had a real workout yet.

But with a depraved heart seemingly content in its natural state, I can only pray and actively pursue Him. I can't hope to grow thinking that God will love me because I am good. My only chance is to pray, live like I mean it, and trust that God will make me good because He already loves me.

If I've made it this far on sheer natural defiance with little effort on my own part(if you met my dad's side of the family, you'd understand it's genetic), I wonder what God could do with me if I actually rolled up my sleeves and lived like He was actually having His way with me? I hope the thought makes the gates of hell shutter.

Bum.

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:22:02 GMT

Today I was walking to class, and I had this weird feeling mixed with loneliness that I couldn’t put my finger on. It’s been lingering around for a while now. And then I found it. I feel homeless.

Ever had that feeling of homelessness? That nagging feeling that you’re not needed where you’re at or you're not supposed to be there? The feeling that where you are isn’t where your heart is?

The term ‘homeless’ is definitely a packed label for me. As many of you guys know, I’m a commuter student and I’m attending school part time. It’s been a fun semester with my friends, but I never really get to that place where I really feel like I go home. I love my friends, who are so kind to open their homes to me, and even going so far as to make me keys so I can come and go as I please. But it’s not home. Even when I go back to Union City to be with Grandpa and work for the weekend, it just doesn’t feel like my refuge and my place of rest. I love him like crazy, but I’m never even there enough to really call it home.

I feel so restless, like I have nowhere to go. And lately I’ve felt so withdrawn from my loved ones. I’ve turned into a spiritual vagabond of sorts. It seems like my heart feels homeless too, with nowhere to turn to for a break. I don’t even know how to describe it. I don’t want to say that I feel unwanted or I don’t fit in, because that’s not quite right. Maybe I feel alien? Like I’m only in passing.

Maybe it’s because I struggle with the constant nonsense in my head that my friends regard me as someone in passing. A friend in transition on the way to something else. But now it’s taken over, where I’m just plain transient. I feel like I’m wandering in the desert. This place is only a temporary residence, and I’m not meant to stay here.

But what the crap do I do with that?

I feel like an alien. I’ve read that piece of Scripture in the Bible, but the feeling has never felt so…tangible. I feel like it’s in my skin- I hate it. I’ve always wanted a place and a life where I feel at home and at ease. I’ve never had it. Ever. The more I seem to find pieces of myself, the more people seem not to accept the woman I’m becoming. This is especially true for my family. They seem to already have their molds and preconceived notions of who I am, and no matter how I transform over the years some of them seem determined to cram me back into the same old mold.

I’ve felt this feeling over the years as I’ve struggled to be more consistent in who I am to both my friends and my family. I’ve always been two different people. I’m one Brittany to my family, but it’s a different Brittany that my friends get to see. I feel like the latter is the real me, but showing that to my family isn’t something I have the strength to face just yet.

But I digress.

Homeless.

How long is this feeling going to last? And what the hell do I do with it?

What does God want from me? Maybe it’s His call for me to call Him refuge. I don’t know. I feel so out of sorts. It’s something to think about tomorrow. I’m spent.

No Doubts

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 01:07:58 GMT

"Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, 'It is a ghost!' And they cried out for fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.'

And Peter answered Him and said, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to You on the water.' So He said, 'Come.' And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried out, saying, 'Lord, save me!'

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'"

-Matthew 14:25-32

Tonight's sermon at CCF was pretty awesome. After everything that has been going on in my life for the past year, I know Whit's talk definitely spoke to my heart. The way he spoke about this particular piece of Scripture made me see it in a totally different light, especially the last part.

Until tonight, I always read this thinking that Peter walked out on the water and started sinking because he was doubting Jesus. I suspect that I'm not the only who has thought about this either. But as Whit pointed out, how could Peter doubt Jesus' as the Messiah when He was the One standing still on the water while the wind and waves tossed about? Peter didn't sink into the water because he doubted his Savior- he began to sink because he doubted himself. He knew exactly who Jesus was; he knew that Jesus could command him to come out on the water. He knew the Son of God could do some very big things. But that wasn't the problem. It was believing the he himself was capable of doing big things.

And that's where the talk really hit home for me after going through this year of prayer over my calling, and all of the stepping stones I took to get to this place. Doubt is a real soul sucker. It comes with so many faces. For Whit, it was his constant procrastination and pragmatism (as he called it) that pointed to a doubt in his abilities and his fear of failure (even though he's a cool kid that totally rocks at what he does). I can definitely relate to his fears because I know I have the same problem. I think that may even be the key to the long road I took to get where I am. I doubted my abilities, so I skirted the issue entirely by pushing what I loved to do away because I was afraid that I'd be bad at it. I'm afraid that I'll disappoint God (or anyone else, which I realize is a serious problem that should be dealt with). But at the heart of all this doubt is that I have forgotten, which doubt can make you so. For some reason, when I see people who are experiencing doubt, they tend to forget what's real. Doubt is a consuming force that makes you forget what the truth is.

I have so many doubts about my recent choices, but I have to remember that God believes in me. He chose me. And He chose me to live large and do big things in His name, just like Jesus did. Jesus didn't do small things. He did amazing things, things that rocked peoples' worlds wherever He went, and whether they liked it or not, they were never the same after they met Him. Before all doubt I have to remember that God knows entirely what I am capable of, and what He's capable of doing through me, and he didn't choose me to live small, shrunken and smothered by my doubts and fears.

Doubting myself does nothing but dim my light to the world. I want people to know who Jesus is, and who He can be to them, and to accomplish this I can't doubt my ability to do what God calls me to do. When He calls me to anything, I can't stop and wonder if I'm capable of doing it- I drop what I'm doing and follow Him, and trust He will show me the way. His strength will shine in my weakness, and God willing, the people He has me meet won't ever forget Him afterwards.

Where to Go?

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:41:55 GMT

I’ve been facing a dilemma…Over the past year, the thought of me helping others for a living has been slowing but surely creeping into the front of my mind. At first, I thought there was no doubt that God was leading me to become an elementary school teacher. But now…I’m not so sure…or maybe He did, but now He’s wanting me to do something else? I’m so confused. I guess I don’t want to be wrong about hearing God. Maybe that’s just pride? Maybe I just don’t want to be wrong. Period. I have so much trouble hearing his voice over everything else in my head. I don’t want to find out the way I chose wasn’t what He had in mind for me. I’m kind of paralyzed with indecision. I guess I’m at a crossroads of sorts.

I mean, I love working with kids. It was what I looked forward to most during block. I love helping them and seeing them grow- it’s so rewarding. But I also think of the year and a half of lesson plans and reflective essays and teaching in front of other adults and it just fills me with dread. I hate the tedious nature of the work that’s involved, I hate desk jobs, deadlines, suits, and politics. And they have all taken over the education system. I can handle getting up at 6 in the morning to go to work. I can factor that into my schedule. But I remember all the nights where I would be spending 2-3 hours on a single lesson plan that I would probably not be able to use again realistically. It was such a chore.

And then there’s the realization that during my field experience I found myself more drawn to helping the children grow as individuals then as students. That can make you second-guess your career path. I remember over the summer last year asking God to give me peace about it if a psychology degree wasn’t for me, but no such luck. It’s just been nagging at the back of my mind, and now it’s slowly made it’s way to being downright insistent. Maybe I’m just waiting for the obvious, because looking back, there’s been a lot of hints. The random peace of mail from a university that exclusively deals with psychology and psychiatry despite the fact that I’ve never expressed interest to any of my professors about the subject as a career option. And now they send me mail pretty regularly. There’s the conversations I’ve had with some of my friends, with weird, “they’re saying that but it doesn’t feel like they’re the ones who are saying tha…t”, pep talks telling me to go for it.

Maybe my biggest hang up is the thought of staying in school even longer, when I’m already 23 and still with a year and a half to go. Or maybe it’s the severe lack of job security for a person with a bachelor’s degree in psychology. And then again it could be the bag of criticism that will be dropped on my head when my family finds out. There’s no money in that! You’ll be in school forever! You’ll never graduate! You’re just afraid of being in the real world!

I’m sorry, are you paying for my tuition? Whatever. Thanks for the pep talk and all your support.

I’ve been reading this book called “The Barbarian Way” that talks about God driving people out of their minds. That people who really follow God and talk to and listen to Him have to be off kilter. They’re not meant to be tamed and domesticated- they’re supposed to be savages, unlike the country club that Christianity as a whole has turned into. Being a little nuts is what allows God to reach them. It’s difficult for people to listen to God when they’re too busy trying to listen to everyone else tell them how a good Christian is supposed to act. The author talks about God asking everything of you, and expecting nothing less. He talks about how we weren’t supposed to necessarily live in comfort. We weren’t baptized in comfort, but in spirit and fire. He talks about God wanting to make your days counts, instead of letting you have more days to count.

He’s definitely setting my brain on fire. It’s so maddening to me to be going through this stepping-stone process. First a science major, then ECED, and now this? But maybe it’s in good faith. God help me. Maybe I need an intervention. An angel descending with some material on Maslow or Piaget’s stages of development would be very convenient right now…Nope, nothing happened.

Unpretend.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 17:30:08 GMT

"Pretending is the grease of modern nonrelationships. Pretending perpetuates the illusion of relationships by connecting us
on the basis of who we aren't. People who pretend have pretend relationships. But being real is a synonym for messy
spirituality, because when we are real, our messiness is there for everyone to see...Unfortunately, people can handle the
most difficult issues more easily than they can handle the lack of pretending...When you and I stop pretending, we expose the
pretending of everyone else...and we must all face the reality of our brokeness."

I used to be a great pretender. I guess I still am, but it's not something I really care to use all the time anymore. It used to have a practical purpose, I suppose. I mean, I didn't want to drag anybody down. It's just, well... listening to people calls for a pretty heavy investment of time and energy, and it's not exactly polite dinner conversation to talk about heavy stuff, like some of the stuff I've been through. Pretending is safe and spares people the inconvenience and sometimes burden of hearing some of the problems you share as a consequence of trying to be real and open - trying to reach out and really connect. It doesn't exactly lighten the mood when a bunch of friends are sitting together eating and laughing and you decide to chime in with "hey guys, did I ever tell you about how I came from a broken home? No? Yeah I did. My parents were into drugs and alcohol, they beat the crap out of me and my dad beat the crap out of my mom too. Heck I was even molested as a kid by two of my closest (older) friends! Isn't that something?" Yeah, that's something. But not a lot of people want to hear that. Because when you see someone reach out like that, it's like a call to do the same. It exposes the fact that you pretend, and forces you to take a good look at the reality of your own brokeness, your own crap that you hide from everybody. No one comes from perfect circumstances or lives a perfect life. As bad as my life may sound to some people, I know there are plenty of others out there that endure the same or worse.

One of the things I didn't know about when I gave my life to Christ was how so many Christians could be such great pretenders like I was. It was like when Jesus came into their lives, their troubles were over. No more fights or struggles with sin. No more temptation, anger, jealousy, depression, and no more bad stuff happening to them. If you're truly a spiritual person, or course you wouldn't struggle with this kind of stuff! If you were really following God, you wouldn't have thoughts of suicide, struggle with alcoholism, your marriage would be perfect, your kids would be well-adjusted, and your faith will make God heal your father who is dying of cancer, as if faith were the currency of a slot machine God. Put your token in and out pops a miracle! But people get wrapped up in this selfish idea of a god who can be manipulated if we say the right prayers, do the right rituals, sing the right hymns, and just have faith. But this isn't how an all-powerful God works. We forget about the mystery of God. We forget about the otherness of God. We forget that God doesn't exist on our terms, or in our image.

This lesson was the first I learned coming out of the gate as a new Christian. As I looked around at all these "spiritual" people, it made me second guess my own faith. I mean, I knew I was saved and that Jesus was in my heart, but bad stuff didn't stop happening, It just showed up with new or changing faces. One good thing did happen as I watched God transform the heart of my dad when he gave his life to Jesus, but it didn't stop my mom from getting worse. Her drinking didn't stop. Her abuse didn't stop. Not for a couple more years. And I still fought sin. I fought anger, jealousy, and depression. When you're in middle school, that's pretty much all there is, lol. But where were these people? These people like me? I didn't get to go to church very often, but when I did, I certainly didn't see any people who struggled with anything or had to deal with bad things in their lives. Looking at everyone, it made Jesus look less like a Savior of lost, messy people and more like a product that when used made you shiny and new. I was saved from wreckage, but I certainly wasn't shiny and new. I have plenty of scars and old wounds. Some not visible, like my old fear I had of any kind of physical proximity. And some that are visible, from the belt and coat hanger nicks on my arms and legs to the stretch marks that showed up when I started to eat my feelings. But apparently these refugees weren't around in church. Or if they were, they sure could pretend like it never happened.

Whatever happened to living an authentic life? Authenticity calls for transparency. You can't be real if you're hiding from people. We're most like ourselves when we're imitating Christ. Christ didn't hide. In the garden of Gethsemane He was so visibly stressed out He was sweating drops of blood. Living this way, displaying our struggles- our weakness, is the way to showing the power of God, and for showing His love of sinners. Living this way can be a very powerful tool for witnessing and for showing the real Jesus, the Jesus that hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, and murderers- the people that were a complete mess.

It's a lot easier for people that are stuck in the margins to find Jesus when they realize that Jesus is right there with them. It's a lot easier to find God accessible when you see that His children aren't perfect either, and are as much of a mess as the rest of the world. When we portray ourselves as perfect people that don't have problems, it makes others feel like they have to measure up, like they have to earn God's love. God never said that. Not even close. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was made clear in the book of Romans that we all come up short. Our God is not a God who loves with condition, with strings attached. That's what people do. But not God. Love is not a commodity to Him. It's the essence of His nature...it's who He is. We are called to love each other, and I think a great way to show that love and to show the glory of God is to be transparent. To be open and honest with people.

I tell people about my past as a way to reach out and to try and connect with them. And for the people who have dealt with similar things to let them know that they are not alone. Pasts like that show the power of God to be bigger than your circumstances. It's His way of telling you "My love for you is bigger than this and will heal your hurts."

Pretending does no one any good. Stuff happens. We fight. We struggle. Heck, even Christ struggled. So we are not alone, and we have no excuse to hide. Why be slaves to our problems when God has freed us from the power they held over us? Instead of letting our hurts and fears cripple us while we try desparately to hide them and pretend like everything's ok, why not bare the wonderful mess of ourselves for the world to see? To reach out to others? To show everyone that we're unfinished and unperfect? To show that Christ loves everyone, not just the tidy people? They don't exist anyway. Instead of hobbling around, limping in pain alone, let's lean on each other as support. In community. Let's point people to the way we're trying to go, the way to the Healer of our hurts.

Pretending is fine when you're on stage or playing with Barbies. But let's get real with each other and with God. We're a mess. The only difference is that Christ is with us cleaning it up.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Sun, 07 May 2006 23:34:40 GMT

I FINALLY GOT A CELL PHONE!!! If you want the number, just shoot me an email and I'll send it out to ya, or you can look for it on Facebook if you're a friend of mine on there.

Mi telephono:

And you're super awesome if you have Verizon too, so my minutos don't get sucked up. I'm out of random spanish blurbs. I wonder what the Spanish word for blurb is....::shakes head:: Peace out.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 16:37:05 GMT

A true measure of a person is the number of shade trees they planted without getting to sit under them, but rather someone else did instead.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 21:09:06 GMT

Friendships have gotten confusing and complicated. I've given up trying to be the person they seem to be looking for. All I can be is what God made me. That may be reformed and refined on a daily basis, but I'm the work of His hands, not anyone else's. I love my friends dearly, but sometimes I feel like a convenience, and that's not fair for either of us. So all I can do is give my friendships to God. I get the feeling that's what He wants anyway. I have to be willing to sacrifice what I have in my life for Him, and I consider my friends to pretty much be the most precious things in my life. Can't say I'm giving up something that doesn't cost me anything...

I have no idea what God has in store for me after school is over, but it seems like the shedding of some skin is in order. God is good, now and forever. As blind as I'm walking, I know He's guiding me in the right direction, and it's the only thing I can count on. Leaning on anything or anyone else and I just fall flat on my face, feeling rejected or even abandoned at times. I won't take it personally though. I feel like a transformation is in order, and until I become comfortable with who I am in Christ and find completion and healing in Him, no one else will be either. It's like a friend of mine said, no one wants to sit in a 3-legged chair.

"Committ your way before the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun...Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him."

Psalm 37:5-7

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful."

Psalm 139:13-14

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 04:37:27 GMT

Suntrust is homosexual. That's right. It's a big fairy. It's also retarded and reeks of fecal matter and all things offensive and non PC. I'm sooooooo switching to Washington Mutual. Now if my debit cards and free checks would just come in so I can tell Suntrust to suck it....

P.S. I saw my first penis today. Gotta love college health classes. Well, not really. I didn't need to see all those diseased genitals. STD free is the way to be!

P.P.S. Never sit in the front row of a college health class. Ever.

Coming Undone...

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 02:51:24 GMT

It's so frustrating when God tells me what He wants me to do, I try to do it, and He tells me to wait and sit on it instead. All this waiting just wears on me. I just feel all wrong right now and trying to do what I know I'm here for is a dead end right now, because it just ends all messed up, like God is cutting me off. What do You want from me?

I'm completely by myself out here. No one to really connect with, and the people I do try to talk to can't relate, give me Sunday school answers about just pray and everything will be ok (I KNOW that, but anything YOU might have to say on the matter?), get all weirded out when they find out that they person they go to with their problems actually has some every once in a while, or they avoid seeing me for no reason (how can you not know why you don't want to see me?). It's so hard to feel like it doesn't have anything to do with me when I don't really have anyone in my life to make me feel otherwise. It's not that I don't feel loved, but I don't feel a strong connection with anyone right now. The people I could have a strong friendship with seem to have it with others and are content with not having it with anyone else.

I feel like I've been left alone to just guard the fort while the Commander goes away, and I have to wait until He gives me orders. I feel like I'm fighting a battle alone out here. I'm just afraid I'm running out of supplies and ammunition, and my morale is running kind of low...

Sooooo many things I'm struggling with right now. It just all keeps piling up. And I can't be mad- I asked God to get in my face and bring my weaknesses out so they can be dealt with. I guess I just didn't figure on all of them being in my face at the same time. It's so overwhelming. So much weight...

Looking for validation, being patient, wanting position in the eyes of people, pride, connecting with friends, accepting that I can't save or even help everyone. So much stuff to deal with. It's like scraping at the tip of an iceberg with a plastic spoon.

I'm just all wrong.