I have a confession to make. I have never tried my hardest for something. Ever. I can't recall a single time when I poured my all into something.* The last time I managed to lose 50 pounds was with the help of diet pills. College? Cruised into that barely trying. SATS? Studied a couple of pages the night before and still topped off at 1330, the highest in my entire school that year. I could go on and on. But I would just make both you and myself a little sicker. *Well, you know what? I take that back. The only thing I poured my all into was a relationship. And it pretty much was a big Fail. Definitely something to put down in the book of "Things That Might Blow Up in Your Face". I've been relaxing "away from it all" at my dad's for the past couple of days, and I don't have the option of staying up all night because when they go to sleep, the whole house must go to sleep- or I at least have to go chill out in my room, sans cable. And the day is spent alone with my dad at work and my grandmother out and about. But at least the peace and quiet has given me time to think. Not that any of my friends would ever say that I needed help in that department. And that's how that little gem popped up into my head. It started while praying to and thinking about God, because He knows I have never broken a sweat trying to chase Him. Truth be told when I sense things getting difficult or His presence slipping further away as He moves ahead to lead me into the unknown I simply plop down on the ground and whine for Him to come back to me, insisting that I couldn't possibly go any further at the moment, lest I run out of breath. Call it fear, trust issues, being an old fashioned control freak, the depravity of my natural condition that's crying out in defiance- whatever it is in me has no plans of surrendering without putting up one hell of a fight, literally. But then what my good friend Nick said to me one night comes creeping back to me. "Only dead fish float downstream." Fine. But how do I make my heart want something it has no apparent intention of wanting? It seems to me that my fears don't just extend to my relationship with Christ, but to life in general. Despite all the hardships I really have cruised through life. When I even consider the idea of pouring my heart into something, my selfishness and pride start to kick in. 'Why try so hard? You've been through so much already. You're doing great considering what you've come from.' It makes me fed up with myself just thinking about it. I've become pretty adept at patting myself on the back with my own crutch. I wasn't born half-assed, so why am I so content to go through life that way? Sorry for the language, but it's really the best thing I can think of to summarize my life. Difficult circumstances with a dash of half-assed. And I know better than to blame this on loved ones that remind me of all I've made it through-they're trying to be uplifting and supportive, of which I really am greatful. But it's time that I really commit to this life instead of constantly stopping for rest breaks when I really haven't even had a real workout yet. But with a depraved heart seemingly content in its natural state, I can only pray and actively pursue Him. I can't hope to grow thinking that God will love me because I am good. My only chance is to pray, live like I mean it, and trust that God will make me good because He already loves me. If I've made it this far on sheer natural defiance with little effort on my own part(if you met my dad's side of the family, you'd understand it's genetic), I wonder what God could do with me if I actually rolled up my sleeves and lived like He was actually having His way with me? I hope the thought makes the gates of hell shutter. | 
