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Currently Listening A Collision By David Crowder Band Obsession see related

Half-assed vs. Wholeheartedly

I have a confession to make.  I have never tried my hardest for something.  Ever.  I can't recall a single time when I poured my all into something.*  The last time I managed to lose 50 pounds was with the help of diet pills.  College?  Cruised into that barely trying.  SATS?  Studied a couple of pages the night before and still topped off at 1330, the highest in my entire school that year.  I could go on and on.  But I would just make both you and myself a little sicker. 

*Well, you know what?  I take that back.  The only thing I poured my all into was a relationship.  And it pretty much was a big Fail.  Definitely something to put down in the book of "Things That Might Blow Up in Your Face".

I've been relaxing "away from it all" at my dad's for the past couple of days, and I don't have the option of staying up all night because when they go to sleep, the whole house must go to sleep- or I at least have to go chill out in my room, sans cable.  And the day is spent alone with my dad at work and my grandmother out and about.  But at least the peace and quiet has given me time to think.  Not that any of my friends would ever say that I needed help in that department. 

And that's how that little gem popped up into my head.  It started while praying to and thinking about God, because He knows I have never broken a sweat trying to chase Him.  Truth be told when I sense things getting difficult or His presence slipping further away as He moves ahead to lead me into the unknown I simply plop down on the ground and whine for Him to come back to me, insisting that I couldn't possibly go any further at the moment, lest I run out of breath. 

Call it fear, trust issues, being an old fashioned control freak, the depravity of my natural condition that's crying out in defiance- whatever it is in me has no plans of surrendering without putting up one hell of a fight, literally. 

But then what my good friend Nick said to me one night comes creeping back to me.  "Only dead fish float downstream."  Fine.  But how do I make my heart want something it has no apparent intention of wanting? 

It seems to me that my fears don't just extend to my relationship with Christ, but to life in general.  Despite all the hardships I really have cruised through life.  When I even consider the idea of pouring my heart into something, my selfishness and pride start to kick in.  'Why try so hard?  You've been through so much already.  You're doing great considering what you've come from.'  It makes me fed up with myself just thinking about it.  I've become pretty adept at patting myself on the back with my own crutch. 

I wasn't born half-assed, so why am I so content to go through life that way?  Sorry for the language, but it's really the best thing I can think of to summarize my life.  Difficult circumstances with a dash of half-assed. 

And I know better than to blame this on loved ones that remind me of all I've made it through-they're trying to be uplifting and supportive, of which I really am greatful.  But it's time that I really commit to this life instead of constantly stopping for rest breaks when I really haven't even had a real workout yet. 

But with a depraved heart seemingly content in its natural state, I can only pray and actively pursue Him.  I can't hope to grow thinking that God will love me because I am good.  My only chance is to pray, live like I mean it, and trust that God will make me good because He already loves me.

If I've made it this far on sheer natural defiance with little effort on my own part(if you met my dad's side of the family, you'd understand it's genetic), I wonder what God could do with me if I actually rolled up my sleeves and lived like He was actually having His way with me?  I hope the thought makes the gates of hell shutter.

Currently Listening Spoken For By MercyMe Homesick see related

Bum.

Today I was walking to class, and I had this weird feeling mixed with loneliness that I couldn’t put my finger on.  It’s been lingering around for a while now.  And then I found it.  I feel homeless. 

Ever had that feeling of homelessness?  That nagging feeling that you’re not needed where you’re at or you're not supposed to be there?  The feeling that where you are isn’t where your heart is?

The term ‘homeless’ is definitely a packed label for me.  As many of you guys know, I’m a commuter student and I’m attending school part time.  It’s been a fun semester with my friends, but I never really get to that place where I really feel like I go home.  I love my friends, who are so kind to open their homes to me, and even going so far as to make me keys so I can come and go as I please.  But it’s not home.  Even when I go back to Union City to be with Grandpa and work for the weekend, it just doesn’t feel like my refuge and my place of rest.  I love him like crazy, but I’m never even there enough to really call it home.

I feel so restless, like I have nowhere to go.  And lately I’ve felt so withdrawn from my loved ones.  I’ve turned into a spiritual vagabond of sorts.  It seems like my heart feels homeless too, with nowhere to turn to for a break.  I don’t even know how to describe it.  I don’t want to say that I feel unwanted or I don’t fit in, because that’s not quite right.  Maybe I feel alien?  Like I’m only in passing. 

Maybe it’s because I struggle with the constant nonsense in my head that my friends regard me as someone in passing.  A friend in transition on the way to something else.  But now it’s taken over, where I’m just plain transient.  I feel like I’m wandering in the desert.  This place is only a temporary residence, and I’m not meant to stay here. 

But what the crap do I do with that? 

I feel like an alien.  I’ve read that piece of Scripture in the Bible, but the feeling has never felt so…tangible.  I feel like it’s in my skin- I hate it.  I’ve always wanted a place and a life where I feel at home and at ease.  I’ve never had it.  Ever.  The more I seem to find pieces of myself, the more people seem not to accept the woman I’m becoming.  This is especially true for my family.  They seem to already have their molds and preconceived notions of who I am, and no matter how I transform over the years some of them seem determined to cram me back into the same old mold. 

I’ve felt this feeling over the years as I’ve struggled to be more consistent in who I am to both my friends and my family.  I’ve always been two different people.  I’m one Brittany to my family, but it’s a different Brittany that my friends get to see.  I feel like the latter is the real me, but showing that to my family isn’t something I have the strength to face just yet.

But I digress.

Homeless.

How long is this feeling going to last?  And what the hell do I do with it?

What does God want from me?  Maybe it’s His call for me to call Him refuge.  I don’t know.  I feel so out of sorts.  It’s something to think about tomorrow.  I’m spent.

Currently Listening Under Pressure By Queen, David Bowie see related

No Doubts

"Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea.  And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, 'It is a ghost!'  And they cried out for fear.  But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'Be of good cheer!  It is I; do not be afraid.'

And Peter answered Him and said, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to You on the water.'  So He said, 'Come.'  And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried out, saying, 'Lord, save me!'

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'" 

                                                                                               -Matthew 14:25-32

Tonight's sermon at CCF was pretty awesome.  After everything that has been going on in my life for the past year, I know Whit's talk definitely spoke to my heart.  The way he spoke about this particular piece of Scripture made me see it in a totally different light, especially the last part.

Until tonight, I always read this thinking that Peter walked out on the water and started sinking because he was doubting Jesus.  I suspect that I'm not the only who has thought about this either.  But as Whit pointed out, how could Peter doubt Jesus' as the Messiah when He was the One standing still on the water while the wind and waves tossed about?  Peter didn't sink into the water because he doubted his Savior- he began to sink because he doubted himself.  He knew exactly who Jesus was; he knew that Jesus could command him to come out on the water.  He knew the Son of God could do some very big things.  But that wasn't the problem.  It was believing the he himself was capable of doing big things. 

And that's where the talk really hit home for me after going through this year of prayer over my calling, and all of the stepping stones I took to get to this place.  Doubt is a real soul sucker.  It comes with so many faces.  For Whit, it was his constant procrastination and pragmatism (as he called it) that pointed to a doubt in his abilities and his fear of failure (even though he's a cool kid that totally rocks at what he does).  I can definitely relate to his fears because I know I have the same problem.  I think that may even be the key to the long road I took to get where I am.  I doubted my abilities, so I skirted the issue entirely by pushing what I loved to do away because I was afraid that I'd be bad at it.  I'm afraid that I'll disappoint God (or anyone else, which I realize is a serious problem that should be dealt with).  But at the heart of all this doubt is that I have forgotten, which doubt can make you so.  For some reason, when I see people who are experiencing doubt, they tend to forget what's real.  Doubt is a consuming force that makes you forget what the truth is. 

I have so many doubts about my recent choices, but I have to remember that God believes in me.  He chose me.  And He chose me to live large and do big things in His name, just like Jesus did.  Jesus didn't do small things.  He did amazing things, things that rocked peoples' worlds wherever He went, and whether they liked it or not, they were never the same after they met Him.  Before all doubt I have to remember that God knows entirely what I am capable of, and what He's capable of doing through me, and he didn't choose me to live small, shrunken and smothered by my doubts and fears. 

Doubting myself does nothing but dim my light to the world.  I want people to know who Jesus is, and who He can be to them, and to accomplish this I can't doubt my ability to do what God calls me to do.  When He calls me to anything, I can't stop and wonder if I'm capable of doing it- I drop what I'm doing and follow Him, and trust He will show me the way.  His strength will shine in my weakness, and God willing, the people He has me meet won't ever forget Him afterwards.

B

Where to Go?

I’ve been facing a dilemma…Over the past year, the thought of me helping others for a living has been slowing but surely creeping into the front of my mind.  At first, I thought there was no doubt that God was leading me to become an elementary school teacher.  But now…I’m not so sure…or maybe He did, but now He’s wanting me to do something else?  I’m so confused.  I guess I don’t want to be wrong about hearing God.  Maybe that’s just pride?  Maybe I just don’t want to be wrong.  Period.  I have so much trouble hearing his voice over everything else in my head.  I don’t want to find out the way I chose wasn’t what He had in mind for me. I’m kind of paralyzed with indecision.  I guess I’m at a crossroads of sorts. 

I mean, I love working with kids.  It was what I looked forward to most during block.  I love helping them and seeing them grow- it’s so rewarding.  But I also think of the year and a half of lesson plans and reflective essays and teaching in front of other adults and it just fills me with dread.  I hate the tedious nature of the work that’s involved, I hate desk jobs, deadlines, suits, and politics.  And they have all taken over the education system.  I can handle getting up at 6 in the morning to go to work.  I can factor that into my schedule.  But I remember all the nights where I would be spending 2-3 hours on a single lesson plan that I would probably not be able to use again realistically.  It was such a chore.

And then there’s the realization that during my field experience I found myself more drawn to helping the children grow as individuals then as students.  That can make you second-guess your career path.  I remember over the summer last year asking God to give me peace about it if a psychology degree wasn’t for me, but no such luck.  It’s just been nagging at the back of my mind, and now it’s slowly made it’s way to being downright insistent.  Maybe I’m just waiting for the obvious, because looking back, there’s been a lot of hints.  The random peace of mail from a university that exclusively deals with psychology and psychiatry despite the fact that I’ve never expressed interest to any of my professors about the subject as a career option.  And now they send me mail pretty regularly.  There’s the conversations I’ve had with some of my friends, with weird, “they’re saying that but it doesn’t feel like they’re the ones who are saying tha…t”, pep talks telling me to go for it. 

Maybe my biggest hang up is the thought of staying in school even longer, when I’m already 23 and still with a year and a half to go.  Or maybe it’s the severe lack of job security for a person with a bachelor’s degree in psychology.  And then again it could be the bag of criticism that will be dropped on my head when my family finds out.  There’s no money in that!  You’ll be in school forever!  You’ll never graduate!  You’re just afraid of being in the real world! 

I’m sorry, are you paying for my tuition?  Whatever.  Thanks for the pep talk and all your support.

I’ve been reading this book called “The Barbarian Way” that talks about God driving people out of their minds.  That people who really follow God and talk to and listen to Him have to be off kilter.  They’re not meant to be tamed and domesticated- they’re supposed to be savages, unlike the country club that Christianity as a whole has turned into.  Being a little nuts is what allows God to reach them.  It’s difficult for people to listen to God when they’re too busy trying to listen to everyone else tell them how a good Christian is supposed to act.  The author talks about God asking everything of you, and expecting nothing less.  He talks about how we weren’t supposed to necessarily live in comfort.  We weren’t baptized in comfort, but in spirit and fire.  He talks about God wanting to make your days counts, instead of letting you have more days to count.

He’s definitely setting my brain on fire.  It’s so maddening to me to be going through this stepping-stone process.  First a science major, then ECED, and now this?  But maybe it’s in good faith.  God help me.  Maybe I need an intervention.  An angel descending with some material on Maslow or Piaget’s stages of development would be very convenient right now…Nope, nothing happened.